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In my previous blogs, I gave an overview of my philosophy of Slow Sex, and what joys and gifts are to be found in the first stage where we enjoy anticipating and preparing for a “Real Date”. Once we have actually arrived together, it’s no time to get sloppy. I remind myself to hold back on my urge to rush headlong into his crotch. Instead, I focus on recalling the exquisite pleasures I have already been having while stretching out the anticipatory excitement.

I slow down, take a deep breath, look my guy in the eye, smile from my heart, and say “Hi. I am so glad you are here with me. Let’s take this real slow and not skip anything.” Or some other, less corny acknowledgement of arriving consciously in the here and now with my intention intact.

I keep in mind that there is some really good stuff just ahead in a well-planned date, but I don’t want to rush it. If I were about to prepare a fancy feast, I wouldn’t skimp on taking time to assemble the best ingredients, nor on giving each step of the preparation the time it requires. Intimacy will rise naturally in a relationship steeped long enough in mutual self-revelation. So that’s next stage of our date.

The recipe for fantastic and deeply satisfying connection includes just two ingredients:Me, fully present, freshly groomed, energized but not exhausted, undistracted by other concerns, and in all other ways, ready to let down my guard and let myself be seen, heard, and pleasured.Me, fully present, freshly groomed, energized but not exhausted, undistracted by other concerns, and in all other ways, ready to let down my guard and let myself be seen, heard, and pleasured.My date, fully present, also hopefully freshly groomed, energized but not exhausted, and undistracted by his other concerns which are probably different than mine. It will help if he is also ready to let himself be seen, heard, and pleasured by me.

  • Me, fully present, freshly groomed, energized but not exhausted, undistracted by other concerns, and in all other ways, ready to let down my guard and let myself be seen, heard, and pleasured.
  • My date, fully present, also hopefully freshly groomed, energized but not exhausted, and undistracted by his other concerns which are probably different than mine. It will help if he is also ready to let himself be seen, heard, and pleasured by me.

The recipe then says to set these two ingredients aside in a comfortable container. Nick and I have found that the couch in my living room is perfect for this, and have begun to refer to this stage as “couch time”. Here we can start to unwrap the layers of feelings buried inside. Going slowly, giving each other equal time, pausing often, staying present in our bodies, and breathing fully all really help to create a sense of safety and trust.

We may even sit in meditation for a while. Because Nick and I have been meditating for years, we trust that each moment of stillness is worth its weight in clarity of mind and heart. Just a little bit of clarity, and a little bit of openness to the truth, flavored with heaps of gratitude and acceptance, has opened access to big spaces of love, transforming miscommunications and resentment into empathy and respect.

We also use “couch time” to let go of our defensive posturing, lay out the things we have been afraid to say, and reveal our raw, vulnerable, sexy, desirable selves.

How can I know what he is hoping for if I don’t give him space and time to tell me? I might ask him to tell me what he hopes will happen in our date tonight, or to tell me about a fantasy he has about our intimate or sexual relating. Revealing my deeper desires was scary at first, so I started expressing the least challenging requests first. As I got used to asking for what I wanted, and built trust that the requests would be heard and seriously considered, (not brushed off as unimportant, nor laughed at or judged) open hearted communication paved the way for some really luscious events and long-term pleasure in each other’s company.

Read Roger’s fourth blog post – “Stage 3 – Skin Time

Roger Tolle and his partner Nick Evans have been building a conscious and open relationship for seven years. They are each long-time meditators, and are trained as Sacred Intimates through The Body Electric School. In addition, Roger leads workshops that focus on professional and personal growth through movement, awareness and touch, and is certified as a Surrogate Partner, working with gay men as an adjunct to sex/intimacy therapy.  Roger and Nick were on the faculty of the 2015 Gay Freedom Camp at Easton Mountain, and they will be facilitating a Fall workshop called "Pathways to Intimacy".