If you have been reading the previous four blogs, you might be wondering (with some impatience) when are we going to get to the main course. What I am writing about is Slow Sex, and there has certainly been a slow buildup. But when do we get to the sex part, you might be wondering? Really, if we have understood the implicit message in the Slow Sex philosophy, we can see that our expanded definition of satisfying and meaningful sex now includes a lot more than getting off. We have to admit that there has been some really juicy erotic experience throughout the long buildup. Remember I wrote about taking time to enjoy the anticipation and preparation for a Real Date as its own erotic pleasure. And then Couch Time cleared the communication channels and opened us up to more emotional intimacy, a really important part of making an erotic relationship a lasting relationship. Then I discussed Skin Time, and all the good reasons to invest a lot of time in touching each other slowly with complete and undivided attention, all focused in the present. Pretty sexy, huh? So now, if things are going well in our date, we’re both pretty hot and bothered and aching to give ourselves over entirely to our genital inclinations.
And so we go for it! A quickie can be lots of fun, and I'm not against the idea every once in a while. But this long anticipated and delicious event is not a competition, and it’s not a pre-scripted scene. This is the real thing. The two of us, heart to heart, body to body, right here in the present, right here in sensation and emotion, in the middle of the scary/exhilarating authentic sharing of love in its most real and physical form.
By now, with all that communication and all that build up, my heart is so open, I want my guy to find his own happiness more than I want my own release. The greater pleasure is the journey together, not alone. So I don’t let myself go off somewhere in my head. I stay with him and in my body. I may tell him what I am feeling, and what I want, but mostly, I choose to enjoy whatever happens.
We let this time evolve on its own. If we have each done our own erotic homework, we are ready for whatever sexual behavior fits the moment. We take elements from the many flavors of sex and combine them in an alchemy of present moment inspiration. If one or both of us get the urge to try something new, we might pause, breathe, and go much more slowly into this new territory. There is no hurry.
Our sex organs are likely at the center of the plate, but they’re never served by themselves, and they’re never the whole meal. We weave in the luscious flavors of all the rest of the body, too. There are so many possibilities to explore together, so many positions, so many tempos and rhythms, so much music to make. I feel it all, and share that feeling with him. And I want it to last.
Can we give each other permission not to come right away? Or at all? I might want us to try out one of his fantasies, and one of mine, and another one of his, and another one of mine, and another...you get the picture. All that exploring takes time.
I might want to set new records for hanging out just this side of ejaculatory inevitability. I might want to get better at coming back from the edge, pausing to get lost in the pulsations of pleasure pumping through my bloodstream, enjoying the cascade of feelings I am unleashing in my bodymind through all the caresses, and kisses, and sweet, hot whispers. And I might want to simply melt into him in utter surrender.
At some point, when and if we choose it, or because we are both too exhausted to hold off any longer, we may decide to come. In any case, we can increase our sense of connectedness by watching each other’s ecstatic moment. Or we can close our eyes and focus inward just to feel it together. We can announce it, proclaim it, make a big deal of it, whooping and hollering. Or we can hold our breaths in awe.
And because we are both males of this species, our orgasms will, as a matter of biological necessity, trigger a rapid drop off in energy for both of us. Do we want that now? Maybe. Or maybe we will swim on in endless spirals, unspent, and absorb all that awakened energy back into us to flood through our cells and send our spirits soaring.
Read Roger’s fifth blog post – “Stage 5 – Afterglow”
Roger Tolle and his partner Nick Evans have been building a conscious and open relationship for seven years. They are each long-time meditators, and are trained as Sacred Intimates through The Body Electric School. In addition, Roger leads workshops that focus on professional and personal growth through movement, awareness and touch, and is certified as a Surrogate Partner, working with gay men as an adjunct to sex/intimacy therapy. Roger and Nick were on the faculty of the 2015 Gay Freedom Camp at Easton Mountain, and they will be facilitating a Fall workshop called “Pathways to Intimacy”.